Self-indulgent post? I'd beg to differ.

This may sound arrogant,

or self centered.

But read on, you might find it intriguing.

It's very simple, the things I can do.

Everyone thinks it's talent, but I'd like to think otherwise.

As opposed to naturally being able to do the things I do.

I'm only good at them because I like them.

Which is why I suck at science.

I don't care what goes on in my body,

except when I'm half dead with a tumor the size of a whale in my leg.

I can draw.

Because I've always wanted to be an artist when I was young.

I can sing.

Cause I like the fact that I carry music with me without an iPod.

I can write.

Because I can't always talk and convey my emotions.

I can play instruments.

Cause I guess it's pretty damn sexy.

I can act.

Because I'm a douche and I like attention.

See, good things always come with the bad.

You can't win and never lose.

You can't be a math genius without making mistakes.

Something along those lines.

That's where things start to distort.

I'd like to think that I'm good company.

That I'm nice to talk to, or I smile nice even with my bite-sized teeth.

I'd like to think that my lame jokes are sometimes funny.

That even though I don't know what to say sometimes,

the fact that I'm there,

serves a purpose as much as good advice.

People always tell me I always tear myself down.

That I've got a lot of things good to look at,

but I don't appreciate them.

Sometimes, I wonder if people like me,

because of the things I do.

I wonder if it's fun to tell people,

that I've got a friend who can do a trifling number of things.

Who can hold her own, and make a stand.

Who sings and dances,

and plays instruments.

I wonder if that's all people like of me.

The fact that these things I do,

define who I actually am.

The main reason why I force myself to get better.

To ignore all the compliments,

to shoot them down.

It's because I can't degrade.

I feel naked without my traits.

Like, without everything I can do,

I'm nothing.

Without dance,

I wouldn't have performed for a hotel.
Without my voice,

I wouldn't have sung for a number of bands.

Without my writing,

I wouldn't have made the yearbook several times.

Without my instruments,

I wouldn't be able to connect with the people who obsess over music.

Without all that,

what am I?

Who is this 'Nicole'?

It's always Nicole the dancer,

Nicole who plays the ukulele,

Nicole who sings.

But who is Nicole without everything she does?

Who is Nicole when all she can do is ripped away from her?

So yeah, you may say I'm an idiot.

Because I don't look at the things I do with pride.

Or I don't treasure them in a way I'm supposed to.

It's a curse, in a way.

I've yet to find someone to love me,

in the way I have a capacity to love them back.

Is it because one day,

the things I do will get boring.

That one day, even though I'm amazing at the things I do,

who I am will never be able to match up to what I can do.

That the people who get to know me best.

Find that I'm impossible to love.

Because on the inside, I'm nothing.

Maybe people don't love me for what I am.

Just what I do.

Maybe that's why, at times,

I hate being able to dance, or sing, or write.

Maybe that's why everyone I choose to love,

will eventually leave me with nothing.

TUNING INTO: Come Back When You Can - Barcelona

Come back, I'll help you stand.

Let go and hold my hand.

If all you wanted was me, I'd give you nothing less.

So come back when you can.