Doesn't mean they get better.

I'm really just an extremely complicated asshole.

I currently have a headache and I'm suppressing the urge to fall asleep.

So I guess I'd like to write down a list.

Of things I feel like I am as of now.
To look back on when I am older.

1. I hate grammatical errors.

This horrible horrible need to correct bad grammar and short forms is going to stick with me for the rest of my life. I hate it, it annoys the shit out of me, and it's such a turn off to a hot face. I also hate it when people speak well, and they type in short forms or with bad grammar. Or can't differentiate 'your' and 'you're', and 'they're' and 'their'. UGH.

2. I don't know how to accept compliments.

This would also last me the rest of my existence. I don't really like that I'm harsh on myself, I just am lol. For example, if I don't believe in God, and someone else keeps trying to tell me that I do, I don't think I would be convinced, you know? It works along the same concept.

3. I have urges to do... bad things?

Yeah so I know, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't shisha, I don't club, and I don't really party. But it doesn't take the temptation away from wanting to try it. I know I stand my ground pretty strong, but it's quite relieving to think that when you're stressed out and all you want to do is cry, there's something that takes you away from all of it. Or when all you want to do is dress up and flirt with random people at the club, because it's harmless and shit like that won't ever hurt you. All I know is, if I start, and I like it, I don't think I'd be able to stop.

4. I like shoes.

Yes, yes I do. It's a sinful, expensive pleasure but it's one crazy obsession non the less. I wouldn't buy heels any less than 4 inches, and I practically only buy skate shoes. And I'm also pretty biased when it comes to boys, because the first thing I look at is probably their shoes. And I don't think I'd want to date a guy who doesn't wear Toms, Vans, Converse, lace ups or slip ons ._. Haha. I'm such an idiot.

5. Don't yell at me.

I think this is the same for all the girls out there. It's very simple and logical. You want to solve a problem with me, you talk to me and you get your point across ASAP. But if you start to yell at me, and I'm telling you trust me on this shit, I will stop focusing on trying to solve the stupid problem, and start focusing on how to yell at you and say things so I win the damn argument.

6. My life on the internet is my social life.

Look I know I'm always on the computer, and I'm always Facebooking, Formspringing, Twittering, Blogging, Youtubing etc etc. It's because that's the only life I'd have. If the world closes down Facebook, I think I'd literally drop dead. I'd cry beforehand if I had my period, but I'd definitely eventually die (of boredom).

7. Boys who like good music automatically becomes more attractive.

Again, I think I'm being biased here, but I love good music, and I love when the people I feel like one day I could fall in love with would not only share my world, but also my world of music. Music (especially lyrics) makes me understand the situation I'm going through. Whether or not the lyrics are written by song writers, or the band or singer, it just describe what I can't put into words sometimes, or makes me feel like I'm not the only person in the world who feels this certain way, that certain singers like Adele or Justin Nozuka could feel the way I do too, hee.

8. I always have short extremely concentrated talks with different boys.

Yeah I seem to have noticed this problem. It probably starts with a mutual attraction, but this attraction just stays constant, where as the need to talk to them grows everyday. We would literally text, Skype and talk at the same time every afternoon till night. But gradually everything seems to die down, and after a few months, I look back on it, and I realize that all these people are amazing, and they're super fun to talk to, and I don't know why I don't bother keeping in contact with any of them again. (Note to self: Keep in contact with all these different people because they are awesome.)

9. I love my friends.

They're are the backbones of the spine of my life. It's like, if one of them leaves, I don't think I'd be able to function properly for a really long time until it's replaced, or returned to it's natural position. Friends are amazing, at least my friends are. Well, it's safe to say, the main reason why I laugh like a hyena on crack everyday is because of these people who are constantly there to poke fun at me, and make crude remarks or try to do some strange wrestling move on me -.-

10. I'm lost.

Yeah, at 15, I felt like I had the whole world figured out, but I realized how naive I was when I was 16 and though I knew the world inside out then, until I ws 17, and this gruesome process just keeps repeating year after year because I'll never learn that I'm really lost until I admit it. I guess I'll struggle with this problem with my maturity every year after this too. I keep wondering if this is who I'm going to be for all the times to come. I wonder if one day I'll get into an accident and lose my legs, or if I lose my voice, or if I don't happen to choose the right degree course. What about my future, and if I give birth to a child who is handicapped, in a world which is crumbling to pieces?!!??!!

But shit like that's too deep for me. HEH.

I'll save that for when I'm 30 and having a midlife crisis.

Which brings me to the next point.

11. I'll never stop being me.

Because, sadly to say, cliche as it sounds, everyone else is already taken (:

None of it was ever worth the risk.

Note,

dear blog of mine.

I have not abandoned you yet.

I'm just going through bad times in life.

By bad times, I mean

1. (Some) bad group members

2. bad hair color

3. bad eyeliner (keeps smudging)

4. bad complexion because of my lack of sleep

5. bad preparation for my ballet exam

6. bad preparation for the flash mob

7. bad arguments with my mum over trivial things

8. bad bad bad diet

9. bad eyebags

10. bad past two months

I'm tired of being okay for everyone.

Being there when they have problems.

Or acting like everything's okay all the time.

It's like I have to be someone who's so 'okay' on the surface.

Can't be responsible for your own shit and making me do it for you?

That's okay.

Can't be bothered to help me out with anything?

That's okay.

Pay me back for all me efforts in doing both our work with cash?

That's perfectly fine.

Scold me for doing my project for the past two days cause my final is today, and not settling your stupid printer ink when you can do it yourself?

Yeah, everything's okay.

Everything's just perfect.

You're Like An Open Book.

Ah, the silly me.

Something you don't see quite often anymore.

I'll be back soon.

I promise with all my heart can give.

Advice? I'd like that.

Of course, I wear this facade.

Of reds and golds, and armadillo skin.

Hard as nails,

Strong as diamonds.

But in me, water flows.

Of blue and green, and tissue dreams.

Though you don't see,

I shake and I scream.

For two different mes,

are so great.

But none are good.

__________

As someone wise once said.

"Never go back to an old love no matter how strong it is, because it's like reading the same book over and over again, when you already know how it ends."

Self-indulgent post? I'd beg to differ.

This may sound arrogant,

or self centered.

But read on, you might find it intriguing.

It's very simple, the things I can do.

Everyone thinks it's talent, but I'd like to think otherwise.

As opposed to naturally being able to do the things I do.

I'm only good at them because I like them.

Which is why I suck at science.

I don't care what goes on in my body,

except when I'm half dead with a tumor the size of a whale in my leg.

I can draw.

Because I've always wanted to be an artist when I was young.

I can sing.

Cause I like the fact that I carry music with me without an iPod.

I can write.

Because I can't always talk and convey my emotions.

I can play instruments.

Cause I guess it's pretty damn sexy.

I can act.

Because I'm a douche and I like attention.

See, good things always come with the bad.

You can't win and never lose.

You can't be a math genius without making mistakes.

Something along those lines.

That's where things start to distort.

I'd like to think that I'm good company.

That I'm nice to talk to, or I smile nice even with my bite-sized teeth.

I'd like to think that my lame jokes are sometimes funny.

That even though I don't know what to say sometimes,

the fact that I'm there,

serves a purpose as much as good advice.

People always tell me I always tear myself down.

That I've got a lot of things good to look at,

but I don't appreciate them.

Sometimes, I wonder if people like me,

because of the things I do.

I wonder if it's fun to tell people,

that I've got a friend who can do a trifling number of things.

Who can hold her own, and make a stand.

Who sings and dances,

and plays instruments.

I wonder if that's all people like of me.

The fact that these things I do,

define who I actually am.

The main reason why I force myself to get better.

To ignore all the compliments,

to shoot them down.

It's because I can't degrade.

I feel naked without my traits.

Like, without everything I can do,

I'm nothing.

Without dance,

I wouldn't have performed for a hotel.
Without my voice,

I wouldn't have sung for a number of bands.

Without my writing,

I wouldn't have made the yearbook several times.

Without my instruments,

I wouldn't be able to connect with the people who obsess over music.

Without all that,

what am I?

Who is this 'Nicole'?

It's always Nicole the dancer,

Nicole who plays the ukulele,

Nicole who sings.

But who is Nicole without everything she does?

Who is Nicole when all she can do is ripped away from her?

So yeah, you may say I'm an idiot.

Because I don't look at the things I do with pride.

Or I don't treasure them in a way I'm supposed to.

It's a curse, in a way.

I've yet to find someone to love me,

in the way I have a capacity to love them back.

Is it because one day,

the things I do will get boring.

That one day, even though I'm amazing at the things I do,

who I am will never be able to match up to what I can do.

That the people who get to know me best.

Find that I'm impossible to love.

Because on the inside, I'm nothing.

Maybe people don't love me for what I am.

Just what I do.

Maybe that's why, at times,

I hate being able to dance, or sing, or write.

Maybe that's why everyone I choose to love,

will eventually leave me with nothing.

TUNING INTO: Come Back When You Can - Barcelona

Come back, I'll help you stand.

Let go and hold my hand.

If all you wanted was me, I'd give you nothing less.

So come back when you can.

You Say My Name Like There Could Be An Us.

The trip to Penang was just perfect.

In a way hahaha.

Destresser from my college work.

So yeah, I didn't lose weight like I planned.

But I still could fit into ma bikini?

Hepi? YEHZ.

The food was amazing.

The company I had, amazing-er.

I parasailed even though I have a fear of heights.

Got third place for sandcastle building.

We made Kak into a Kaktopus hahaha.

Got first for impersonating Ms Natasha for a sketch

Pictures are all up.

But I'll just leave you with the few that I edited which turned out quite pretty haha.

Life's funny.

Cliche as it sounds.

I love all it's ups and downs.

More of the ups though.

:)

This was all the ups.

Yup, yup.

Most definitely.

'Bird' in heat.

'Bird' jumping haha.

TUNING INTO: Charlene - Anthony Hamilton

Come on home to me.

Rambling Thoughts at 4am.

That's what I think.

That I can do anything now that I'm stronger.

That I've built up better walls.

Understand that the truth could be a lie.

That I know never to trust until I am very certain.

And never to be naive as a child.

Do you know what it's like, having this feeling.

Having to be guarded all the time.

Filling up all your free hours with work, dance, music.

So there's no room for your heart or head to wonder.

Sometimes, it makes you feel tiny.

Like the smallest person in the world.

With the largest boulder of responsibility on your shoulder.

But sometimes, it makes you feel amazing.

There's no guy out there who can hurt you.

Because you've come out a fighter, stronger than before.

And all it takes,

to tear down all those walls you've struggled to build back,

the smash through your defenses like cotton,

to force your head into the drowning waters of insecurity.

Is just this one picture.

His head slightly tilted towards the camera.

His yellow shirt stark against the white buildings.

His green bag hanging low upon his hips.

His eyes, just looking.

Staring as if he could see into your soul.

That's when you know.

You can try and convince yourself you're all better.

You can try and make your body feel like nothing's missing.

You can try and tell your head that you've got things to do.

Day in, day out, no breaks in between.

But the one thing you cannot fool.

Is your own heart.